From Father to Father
At some risk of opening hearts too far, I thought some good might come of passing along this email trail between my Father, Brother, and Myself. Happy Father’s Day.
----- Original Message -----
From: David Hoffberg
To: Kevin Hoffberg; Eric Hoffberg
Sent: Friday, June 18, 2004 11:43 AM
Subject: Father's Day
To my two favorite fathers:
We are getting better at it.
I really have no idea how good a father my grandfather was. I do know that my father Sam pleased him in many respects with his education and his success. I would also guess that there was disappointment too - disappointment that we do not need to review.
Sam was a great provider. He paid for Cornell and for NYU for me and for my sister’s education as well. He worked hard; was charitable, honest and forthright, and had other estimable values. He also tended to be cross (justifiable I submit) and not a very good listener (mostly because when I saw him, he was so tired). He mellowed with age, and he forgave his son for his transgressions, just as I suppose he was forgiven.
I tried. I tried to be a good listener. I think I was a good provider. I am filled with love for my sons, and am comfortable expressing that.
You guys have different challenges - different even as between the two of you. Obviously, your children (in Kevin's case) are in a better position to evaluate you than I, but Kevin has two great kids. I think they will be even better young adults, and older adults as well. Kevin, you have worked hard and worked far from home, but your efforts to get home and to be involved are laudable. Your high sense of values has yet to completely reflect in Jake's and Jo Jo’s behavior and thinking, but it will as they mature. I salute you. You have done better than I in many respects, and I am proud of that and ego centered enough to think that perhaps I helped.
Eric- you are already great. The time you are spending with your son Jace and the effort you are making on his behalf are wondrous. Isn't it fun, too, for you to watch the daily - or even the hourly changes that he reflects and the love that he is expressing as well?
We are getting better at it. You are great sons and better fathers. My love and respect to you both.
DLH
----- Original Message -----
From: Eric Hoffberg
Sent: Friday, June 18, 2004 1:52 PM
To: Kevin Hoffberg; David Hoffberg
Subject: Re: Father's Day
This is my first Fathers Day!
Thank you DLH. Great words as usual and it feels great to get to be in on the whole Father thing.
To me it is all about love. It doesn't matter whether you are close or far; whether you are at dinner every night or away working to earn and provide. What matters is that as a father you must be full of love. Love overcomes fatigue and helps you be the listener you need to be when you do. To me a father must love his children and love the concept of family with equal dedication and passion. A father must love life itself and he needs to show love to every member of his family in front of every other member of the family.
A great father is also learning all the time; really learning how to make moments count and what makes his kids tick.
I want my son Jace to feel two things about having me as father:
That I showed him how to love and how to be loved.
That I was genuinely interested in who he was. (To me the key here is to spend as much time learning something from him as I do trying to teach him and guide him.)
What is so cool about getting to write these words right now is that I am sending them to two men that I love and admire. I also feel a great deal of love and support coming back from both of you. The way I feel about the two of you and the way the interest and support goes back and forth between us is exactly the way I want things to be with me and Jace.
I have loved so much the chance to watch him grow and to get to know him. I almost can't wait to have him mature so that I can feel even more what he is feeling and hear him speak his thoughts to me. Again I can draw on my own experience here. Lately in my life I have felt that I have grown and I have felt that both of you have been genuinely interested in what I am capable of. That is terrific inspiration.
At a very young age, I felt that I had a father that was intrigued with me and inspired by me. That is how a father should be. Kevin, you have done a really fine job of making Jake and Jo Jo feel like you respected what they are capable of; it goes without saying that you get a huge charge - who wouldn't though - out of the talent that they have displayed as a dancer and as a musician. They feel this genuine interest from you. It builds the bond.
I love being a son and a brother. I love being a father. None of these roles in my life feel tough for me right now. I am grateful for that. But if anything ever does get hard in any one of those roles I plan to meet the test with the power of love and with a genuine interest in finding out what might be going on and how I might be able to help.
The both of you have been so generous, just the way great men are that are great fathers and family members, and really and truly not a day goes by that Leah and I aren't grateful for all that you have done.
Peace
EBH
----- Original Message -----
From: Kevin Hoffberg
To: Eric Hoffberg ; David Hoffberg
Sent: Friday, June 18, 2004 6:27 PM
Subject: RE: Father's Day
For once I may be at a loss for words that might equal what the two of you have written. Mostly I think “Father’s Day” and “Mother’s Day” are silly, not because I mind being celebrated, but because they are such obvious ploys to generate retail sales and restaurant traffic. Obviously if they were occasions that would generate deep sentiments such as these we should make every day one or the other.
I find this year’s version to be a tad tough. My last child and only son has stepped through the door of high school and is heading in a very short time to a new life in college. I can intellectualize all the parts about his growing up, our new freedom as “empty nesters”, that he and I will someday share deep moments and thoughts like we’re doing here and now, but none of it completely quells the pain in my soul. I miss him and I miss Jo Jo.
There are many things I wish I could have or would have done differently even though such wishing is silly. If I had done those things than I wouldn’t have done something else and on it goes. But I still feel a hole in my heart. It just wasn’t that long ago that Jake was a little kid in Batman pajamas.
Having said all of that, I’m proud as I can be in my role as father. It’s hard for me to imagine two finer children than Jake and Jo Jo.
I've told you this story already but it bears repeating in this context. Not long ago we were all visiting friends who have a place in a beach town. Dinner was set around a big table and the stories and laughter were so thick you felt like you could reach out and touch them.
After dinner, the "young adults"--all in their mid twenties to mid thirties--decided to head into the local watering hole to continue the reverie. Jake and Jo Jo were invited along. We went to bed. About 2:30 I got a call on my cell phone from Jo Jo.
Apparently there had been a showdown in front of the bar at closing time. Jake had been drinking root beer all night as was appropriate given that he's 17. The son of the host, a magnetic and engaging young man of 35, had not. Jake confronted him about driving in his condition and asked him for his keys. Back and forth they went until the older fellow jumped in his car and drove off in a huff. Jake and Emily declined to join him.
The good news is that ultimately everyone made it home safe and sound. I'm not sure I've told this story with the kind of drama that it clearly deserves, but I have treasured to this moment the image of Jake facing off with a man twice his age over something that was clearly wrong.
A couple of weeks ago we went to senior awards night. Jake was one of the last people to get an award (which wasn’t the measure of anything, just the order or the event). He got $500 for some sort of music thing. There were three or four other seniors who probably got 6-10 awards each, and many who got 3-4. In fact, it felt like Jake might have been the only person up there who only got one. Kind of an odd evening in a way.
I’m pretty competitive about my kids and of course want them to win everything . . . and I’d go to war with anyone who had in mind to do either one of them harm. Having said that, I was either by intent or neglect pretty relaxed about many parts of their upbringing. I think I just thought that my wife would just take of it all while I was off playing the role of great provider. I put a lot of energy into helping with papers when asked, I went to all the dive meets, fencing meets and most of the dancing and concerts. I opened my wallet when asked and often when not. But I didn’t bug them about grades or practicing or whatever and truly I often wonder if I should have somehow pressed harder or set a better example.
All that aside, I say all this because I want to emphasize my pervious point. Having seen all these all-star seniors walk across the stage to scope up yet another award I never knew existed, I still wouldn’t trade any portion of one of them for any portion of Jake. Not even close. At the point you can say that, I think you’ve said all you need to say about being a father.
You’re both good men and I’m proud to call you friends, father, and brother.
KAH
----- Original Message -----
From: Eric Hoffberg
To: Kevin Hoffberg
Sent: Saturday, June 19, 2004 9:25 AM
Subject: RE: Father's Day
Hey Brother!
I just wanted to tell you that I am sitting here having read what you wrote and all I can think to do is to thank you for what you have written.
It makes me feel what you feel.
My add on is to remind you that you can never have regrets. The key thing about the past is to focus on the things that inspire us. And you brother, have so many great moments in your family history that are as they would say in the street, "straight up" inspiring. The excellence that all four of you are capable of is always a complete boost for me. Of late I have had a terrific insight into how talented each of you are. It’s cool to be around talent. It's not everywhere.
The next segment of your life, the one you are almost in, is going to be the very best segment you have ever had with your kids - with your family. Man, it's going to be a total blast. You can just "feel" that so many great stories haven't been told yet.
I can't wait to know all four of you in all the years to come.
And because you made reference to the feelings of closure that come with Jake's finishing high school, it seems fitting to say to you, "well done and congratulations."
EBH
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